2 Ways To Slay Your “People Pleaser”

Slay The PEOPLE pleaser!I look back now and think of all the times I made myself sick with worry over trying to keep other people happy.  One of the healthiest things I have done over the last decade is tame the need to keep other people happy in my life.  There are 2 key concepts I have accepted that helped me create this new very liberating and free environment. I am a better husband, father, friend and coach because of it.

(1) Realizing People Pleasing Is Innately Selfish.

I thought that all my people pleasing made me a better, caring and sensitive person. I slowly came to the realization that that was not true.  Pleasing people was really about accolades.  I was obsessed with needing people to like me.  Which means everything I did was really about me.  I needed to be liked. I needed people to talk highly of me. I wanted people to notice me. I was not making other people HAPPY because I really cared for their happiness it was really about what I would get out of the exchange.  As I slowly began to value myself more and find my accolades in other places I felt the need to be LIKED for the sake of being liked less and less appealing. I began to care less about people liking me and more about adding value to people’s lives.  Sometimes that meant challenging people on some of their hold ups and pushing them to believe that they are capable of more. Which means people will not always like me.  Some people may even avoid me or be repelled by me but other may thank me down the road for the value it added to their life.  I am OK with people not liking me now.  I am a much better coach because of it.

(2) My Own Happiness Was An Inside Job.

I spent a lot of time feeling like a victim to my life.  That all the circumstances and the people around me were conspiring against me.  That I was dealt a lousy card and woke up daily to a life that was happening to me and I felt I had no control over it.  As I prayed and worked through things I walked into a new sense of gratitude and from this place of thankfulness I was able to turn my power back on.  I began to see that the only thing that I was a victim of was myself.  That I determined how I saw the world, the people around me and the circumstance I was in.  That my powerless “victim” state was something I CHOSE rather than something I was inflected with. As I began to question the lens through which I saw the world and trade out my lenses for a better more opportunistic lens I realized that other people could do the same thing.  By taking ownership for my own happiness I realized that I was not responsible for other people’s happiness.  In fact I was preventing people from finding their own happy when I was working so hard to always keep them happy.  I still love on people but I no longer feel responsible for changing their world views, I know that they too decided which lens they are using. If I can be of assistance in influencing them to own their happy great, but it really is not up to me, it is all about what they are choosing for them.  AHHHHHHH what an amazing sense of freedom that has brought me.

These two concepts have change how I build boundaries around the things that matter to me in my life as well as how I communicate with others in life. In the past when my priority was making other people happy instead of owning my own happiness I had very few boundaries. Taking on the responsibilities of other people’s HAPPY left me exhausted and unhappy plus resentful.  I now have been learning how to communicate my needs in relationships as well as learning to listen to the needs of others in my life, so I can actively add value to other people lives by helping them own their HAPPY.

Disclaimer alert: These are my musing and my thought processes. If they offend you or rub you the wrong way I no longer care (lol) You are more than welcome to your own musings and thought processes.  If they add value to your life like they did to mine, great, I am happy I could help.

Come On Let Me Love You : Taking Chances

move

 

6 years ago today we took a risk and followed a prompting in your hearts and moved across Canada to live life on the West Coast. Listening to God’s whispers has not disappointed us. The move has been hard but the lessons have been so fruitful. I recall contemplating the move in a raining car outside the grocery store and hearing a song by third day called Revelation.

“My life,
Has led me down the road that’s so uncertain
And now I am left alone and I am broken,
Trying to find my way,
Trying to find the faith that’s gone
This time,
I know that you are holding all the answers
I’m tired of losing hope and taking chances,
On roads that never seem,
To be the ones that bring me home
Give me a revelation,
Show me what to do
Cause I’ve been trying to find my way,
I haven’t got a clue
Tell me should I stay here,
Or do I need to move
Give me a revelation
I’ve got nothing without You
I’ve got nothing without You”

I held on to those words for weeks “should I stay here, or do I need to move.” I listen to the song over and over and played out all the scary things that would have to happen if we decided to move.

I would reason myself out of this crazy prompting to move, only to wake up to it again the next morning. I spoke a word to nobody while my heart wrestled with the idea.

I was so focused on the how this is going to happen and what are people going to think.

Then one morning after playing the song for the 100th time I listen to the next song on the CD.

“Ever since the world around you shattered
You’ve been looking everywhere for something more
Sometimes you feel like your life doesn’t matter
But it does
I tell you it does

Come on let me love you now
Come on let me love you and hold you through the storms
I will keep you safe and warm
Come on let me love you now
Come on let me love you and kiss away your tears
I will always be here
Come on let me love you

Yesterday you found your heart was broken
Tomorrow doesn’t leave much room for hope
Today you’ll find that my arms are wide open
And my heart
My heart is full of love

Give up on all the other things
‘Cause my love can bring you more
And if you take a chance on me
I’ll give you what you’re looking for”

The voice was clear that morning. You have been pushing, pulling, taking on the demands of everything yourself. I felt God whisper, you done wrestling yet? You ready to step in and take a chance? Are you ready to let me love on you?

I went home and told Jen what I had been contemplating for a month and told her to think about it. Truth be told we both knew it was not something we need to “think” about anymore.

I was terrified and excited the morning I woke up to this truck sitting at the curb, ready to go, with all that was left of our possessions.

It has been the hardest thing we have ever done and the hardest thing we have ever “stuck” with and through the trails and adversities I am so overjoyed with grateful tears this morning that I took a chance, listen to the prompting and let God love me. Our hearts are full of so much wisdom and our spirits are forever changed. God taught me my life matters. The story does not end there it’s just a reminder. Heading into our 7th year God is asking me the same questions whether I am willing to take chances on things that seem impossible. I am scared and excited to see what is in the gap between where I am and where we feel God is calling us.

POUND – MASTER CLASS EVENT

WINNIPEG ROCKS (1)ICON_Ira3

SATURDAY MAY 13th 7:00PM – 8:00PM

Our Lady Of Victory School

249 Arnold Ave, Winnipeg, MB

Cost $15

$20 at the door (if space permits)

THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT CAME, THAT WAS SUPER FUN! Can’t wait to rock with you again one day!!!

winnipeg

Join Ira POUND ICON for a POUND ROCKOUT WORKOUT Master Class.  Experience the world’s first cardio jam session inspired by the sweat dripping fun of playing the drums.  Using lightly weighted drumsticks called ripstix, POUND transforms drumming into a highly effective and exhilarating workout.  Ira is an international fitness presenter and travels North America training instructors to ROCKOUT their WORKOUT and become pound pros.  Come experience the fitness phenomena expanding across the globe for yourself and learn where you can find classes or even start classes in your area.  Hurry space is limited and this is a one time event with Ira while he is in town. DROP IN the day of the event will be offered if the event is not sold out.  Admission at the door will be $20.

PLEASE NOTE: Admission is non refundable but you may transfer to another participant.  Upon purchase your name will be added to our class roster to check in at the day of the event.  Please bring a yoga mat, runners (or barefoot), water bottle and sweat towel.

 

it.

iT (1)

Progress is not made thinking about IT, preparing for IT, planning for IT, talking about IT, learning about IT, questioning IT, or worrying about IT.  Progress is made doing IT.  Everyday we wake up to the same battle, the battle to roll up our sleeves and do IT.

DO what you ask?

Most of us know.  Your thoughts, energy and mind can be consumed by IT.  Each day serves up mighty portions of distraction to keep us from doing IT.

IT is a stretch, IT is not easy, IT is not obtained by settling, IT can be found at POINT B when you are living comfortably in POINT A. IT is scary.

But your heart desires IT.

A lot of what we are looking for can be found in IT

IT, that seed, that prompting God plants in each of us.

We can choose to ignore or distract ourselves from IT but the consequences are steep whether we acknowledge it or not.

Want to get healthier? Want to live a fuller life? Want to learn? Want to grow? Want more of what matters? Want more clarity on what your IT is?  Stop focusing on the destination; There is no magical place of arrival. Your victory is waiting for you today, it is in the action orient pursuit of IT. In the avoidance of the distracting, shinier, dreamier, complacency of putting it off until tomorrow. Start believing ALL you have today is ALL you need. With gratitude and purpose take what you have and work towards IT, today.

Your confidence, your clarity, your health, your sense of efficiency, your joy, so many things you are longing for are waiting at the intersection of  where IT meets today. Victory is not a destination you will one day stand on. VICTORY is standing knee deep in the work of your IT day by day.

Do not ignore your IT today.

Refuse to longly stare down a distant destination. Working on your IT today means you have arrived. You get to stand in VICTORY today.